When the unexpected happens, such as a stroke,and your world is instantly shattered, fear, anxiety and stress prevail. It is a very unique trauma when its not just the victim who is impacted but also the family of the victim, especially those who will assume the position of caregiver.
Becoming a caregiver can involve a journey through grief, often encompassing feelings of loss, guilt, and the transformation of one’s identity. It’s crucial to acknowledge and process these emotions, seek support, and focus on self-care to navigate the challenges and find peace as you work through your own journey through the stages of grief. The demands of caregiving can lead to burnout, impacting physical, emotional, and mental well-being and complicate the grieving process.
Personally, for myself, the following is what the journey of grief looked like for me. They were not stages, they were overlapping and morphing phases that, three years later, I still seem to visit regularly. I believe this is because, as the survivor of a stroke survivor, I didn’t have closure. There are times when I look at my husband and I can still feel feelings from all the phases.
Shock
When the stroke occurs and you are in the thralls of the immediate fallout after the stroke the natural response is shock. In the beginning, there is so much uncertainty and confusion about what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and what the prognosis is. This is complicated by the fact that there is no real way to know prognosis as every stroke and recovery is different.
It is, most certainly, a moment you will never forget. I remember the ED doctor bringing me into a private room and explaining that Glenn had suffered a massive stroke. My heart literally stopped for a brief moment then did a 180 and started beating furiously. My hands and feet went numb, I couldn’t see anything. I did not know what to say, do, or feel. It took a moment or two before I began shaking and crying uncontrollably and he handed me a box of tissues and said I’m so sorry. He then explained the next steps. They were going to transport him to a bigger hospital with a neurocritical care unit. The nurse came in to bring me to him. I was a crying wreck and I will never forget what the nurse said. She told me I had to be strong for Glenn. That I would have plenty of time for crying and falling apart, but not when I was around Glenn. I clung to that wisdom for dear life hoping it would help him.
The Overwhelming Feelings:
Anger!! At who? Yourself, the medical personnel, strangers, the world. Yup, you will experience all levels of anger at anyone and everyone including yourself.
I was mostly angry with myself. Could I have done something different? That question will always burn in my mind. In general, though, my anger had a very short fuse for a very long time after Glenn’s stroke. I couldn’t control it. I was too stressed and had way too much on my plate to be able to function as a human.
Fear and anxiety
All the questions will come into play: will they live? What abilities will they be left with? What will the future lookI like?
I still struggle with anxiety, I imagine I will for some time. I worry about everything and will always need to work on that part of myself. What kinds of worries keep me up at night? I worry about our finances. I also worry that something will happen to me, the caregiver.
Stress: The loss experienced after a stroke can be a major life stressor, triggering the release of stress hormones and impacting physical and emotional well-being. The grieving process itself can be incredibly stressful, especially as individuals grapple with complex emotions, adjust to new realities, and face the challenges of daily life.
When Glenn had his stroke I was left to deal with his stroke, our restaurant and the household. I was a slave to the stress in my life. It took many years to even reduce the stress by a fractional amount.
Depression: Sadness, hopelessness, and a sense of loss are common during this stage. The emotional toll of caregiving, including the physical and mental strain, can contribute to depression. Caregivers may also experience social isolation, financial stress, and a sense of burden, all of which can exacerbate depressive symptoms.
I was extremely depressed. Some days I still am. I really had to develop my coping mechanisms. In the beginning I tried anti-depressants, but they were not for me, all they did was numb me. I needed to feel all the feels. I needed to cry. I needed to laugh.
Mourning
Mourning the living? Mourning our lost future?
Unfortunately that is a part of the journey. If I had to guess I would say most caregivers reach a point where they begin mourning for the loss of who their spouse was and what their future was supposed to be. It is a stage in the grief process, a stage you must go through to move onto the next stage of acceptance. What is unique about this phase for the survivor of a survivor, is that there is no closure as you would have had if the victim had passed as a result of the stroke. Rather, mourning, in this situation, is mourning for the loss of who the victim was and all that they had lost and all that their family has lost as a result of the stroke.
Acceptance: P.S. It doesn’t mean happiness.
What does acceptance look like? Acceptance isn’t always pretty. In fact, sometimes it is down right ugly. Acceptance is admitting to reality and starting to focus on a way to move forward. Do not expect the pain to disappear, rather, in this stage, we learn to live with the pain. We learn to build a life around it. Again, as in the phase of grief, what is different for the survivor of a survivor, is that life has to be rebuilt while the victim is still alive. Since there is no closure for the caregiver the path forward has to include some plan for the stroke survivor.
For us, I had to learn to balance everything in my world. I had to accept that everything was going to be different. I had to accept that we were not going to do all those things we had planned on. I had to accept that my life changed and I needed to allow the path to unfold right before my eyes while doing what I could to steer the course.
When it comes to the journey through grief there is no timeline, and no guarantee that you will move through all of them and even if you do, that you will do so with ease and grace. How long anyone spends in any of these stages is a matter of situational circumstance. Finally, as a strong sidenote, none of these phases are mutually exclusive. Meaning, there is no stark closure to each phase of grief and it is possible, and likely, that you will still experience all or some of the phases as time passes and you work your way through the stages. Personally, even though I am definitely well into acceptance I still find there are days when I am still shocked that it ever happened. I find that there are times I still feel fear and anxiety about everything. I still have moments of anger, and even fall prey to bouts of depression. But, those moments are much less than they used to be and I have an easier time working my way out of their grips.
Powerful Closures: Leaving a Lasting Impression
Concluding your blog post isn’t just about wrapping things up – it’s your final opportunity to leave a strong impact. Summarize the key takeaways from your post, reinforcing your main points. If relevant, provide actionable solutions or thought-provoking questions to keep readers thinking beyond the post. Encourage engagement by inviting comments, questions, or sharing. A well-crafted conclusion should linger in your readers’ minds, inspiring them to explore further or apply what they’ve learned.
