Some caregivers are blessed with a very thoughtful and caring loved one to care for. Others have a more difficult situation with loved ones who push us to our limits seemingly every chance they get. In these more trying situations every day can end up feeling like a nightmare.
Unfortunately I am in the latter category. My husband is a force to be reckoned with and sometimes it destroys me. What have I learned to do? Walk away. As long as he is not at any risk I walk away. Doing this has actually freed up a lot of time for myself. Before I learned to do this we had some pretty big fights, which, inevitably, left me feeling guilty. So how do you manage this more difficult care-giving situation?
- Realize you are human (not a superhuman): You did not choose to be in this situation and you are learning how to be a caregiver. It takes time. You will get frustrated and angry and that is alright because you are human
- Stop and be mindful: take deep breaths or walk away for a moment. Take a pause and think about the situation. Is there a different way for you to respond? Think about what it is your loved one really wants and why.
- Redirect: While being mindful find ways to redirect your loved one. If you cannot redirect your loved one then redirect yourself by stepping away until you calm down enough to work with your loved one through the situation. (check out my blog on “how to work with your loved one and not against them”)
- Don’t take it personally: they often cannot help it and it usually is not about you. Often, they cannot help or control their behavior, I often have to remind myself that that part of the brain has been damaged.
- Practice patience and empathy: While they are being combative step away and remind yourself that they cannot help their behavior. Try empathizing and imagining a role reversal. For me I go a little further and remind myself everything he has lost.
- Set boundaries: clearly explain your limits and expectations. If they cannot understand this keep working on it. Sometimes it takes a lot of repetition before they begin to understand.
- Self care: it took me quite a long time to realize I was not taking care of myself and actually harming myself through neglect. I had to work extra hard to organize my life enough to fit in time to take care of myself.
- Seek outside support: support groups are great I suggest talking to other who understand, but find support where ever you are comfortable.
Learning to be someones everything means learning to deal with everything about them including their anger, temper tantrums, and what seems like an inability to listen. There is no cure, there is no bullet list to follow. It takes time and practice to learn to deal with behavior that is less than ideal. When you find yourself getting angry just know that that is a normal feeling and start being mindful of how you respond. Start by slowing down, analyzing the situation, and see if there is a different response you can have to help redirect or alleviate the situation.
