This is one of our major downfalls! The requests are never ending! If I say okay, life goes on. If I have to say no it will become an exhausting battle. It has taken me years to learn how to deal with this situation and what works sometimes doesn’t necessarily work other times.
When a loved one persists in wanting something they either can or cannot have, a caregiver should first acknowledge their feelings and then try to understand the underlying reasons for the persistence. If the request is reasonable and safe, the caregiver can accommodate it. If it’s not, they should gently explain the limitations and offer alternatives or distractions.
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings:
- Validate their desire and feelings. Let them know you understand they want something, even if you can’t grant it immediately.
- Avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. This can lead to frustration and further persistence. I often use empathy for this, as I am still learning to not dismiss his feelings. It is, unfortunately very easy to do this when you are extremely busy and exhausted.
2. Understand the Underlying Reason:
- Is it a specific need, a desire for attention, or a sign of confusion or anxiety?
- Try to determine the root cause of their persistence. This will help you find a more effective way to address the issue.
3. Respond Appropriately:
- If the request is reasonable and safe: and if possible, grant it, and work to reinforce positive behaviors.
- If the request is not reasonable or safe:
- Gently explain the limitations: Use clear and concise language. Avoid arguments or getting defensive.
- Offer alternatives: Suggest something similar or a related activity that they can enjoy instead. If there are no alternatives try to redirect the request and shift their focus onto something else
4. Set Boundaries Gracefully:
- Explain clearly and calmly why the request cannot be met: Again, use simple language and avoid getting into arguments.
- Offer a “time out” or break if needed: If the situation becomes too intense, take a break to de-escalate.
- Focus on the positive: Highlight their positive qualities, strengths, and abilities. I will to tell my husband how proud I am of all the great gains he has made in three years and list off a few of them. I will then remind him that I am working on many great things to make life better and when I am more grounded we can revisit the current issue.
5. Manage Your Own Stress:
- Because caregiving can be emotionally and physically demanding it is important to take care of yourself.
- Seek support from friends, family, or professional caregivers.
- Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge.
6. Other things to consider:
- If their persistence is causing significant distress or disruption, it might be beneficial to consult with a professional, such as a therapist or geriatric care manager.
- They may be experiencing cognitive decline or other issues that are contributing to their behavior.
- Contact their doctor with your concerns, sometimes a urinary tract infection can cause behavioral changes. There could also be issues related to other illnesses, medication, sleep disturbances, or nutritional deficiencies.
- (see my blog on perseveration)
